The One I Let Get Away

 
And I knew the moment I had confessed I liked him, wanted him, even needed him I'd make a mistake. He looked at me confused then collected his usually calm but now unnerved features.

"Ellie, I.. I don't know what to say. I always loved you I think. Deep down I know I liked you a great deal and you were the only girl who could keep me interested for more than a few weeks but you never wanted me. Sure, we were friends but you didn't show the slightest inclination you wanted anything more than that so I let go and moved on. I stopped caring for you in that way. I'm not sure I can differently now.. Not after so long. We're better as friends anyway, don't you think?"

He'd sealed my worst fears with the blood bleeding from my now broken heart. After all this time and all these years he was rejecting me? How could I have waited to long to tell him how I felt. I know why; Because I hadn't known that was how I'd felt. I'd been so wrapped up in finding some "hot, sexy guy" over time I'd failed to see exactly what was in front of me. I'd shot him down without ever taking aim and now the tables were turned. I'd pay the price for my utter blindness.

"Oh. I didn't know you'd ever felt that way. I'm sorry if I hurt you. Yeah. Friends.. You're right. We're better as friends. Don't want things to get awkward, Ha."

Wow. Did I want to hand him the last nail to my coffin? Wasn't I going to fight for him? Was a polite 'No' all it took to break me down and make me give up?
Apparently so.
And now I'd have to live with the "What If's" and "Could Have's" constantly running through my mind both now and sure to be in the future. I wanted to tell him he was making a mistake, that I'd never known how strong my feelings for him were and that if he'd let me I'd spend my time showing him just how deep those feelings ran but I couldn't. I had turned my back to him before without realizing it and now I was going to turn my cheek without a sound.

I'd lost him and the only person I could blame was myself.